i'm brittny

new and improved

2009-10-14T17:40:47Z

i have a new journal/blogsite thing... buheritenee.blogspot.com
go. read. enjoy.

well, hello!

2009-02-22T20:43:35Z

i have not posted in a while. a lot is new with me, since i've last updated. i went to the renaissance festival yesterday, way fun! i got real sunburned though. but then later that night seth (my pre-fiance) went looking for some rings and i found one! it was orig. $120 but then i got it on sale for $72 and then bought the insurance on it. it's my promise ring! it's funny that i bought it, but seth said he is gonna pay me back for it, so whatever. :) it's weird thinking of a year ago, how sad and crushed i was at this exact time, and how happy i am now! life is so silly sometimes.

shiver

2008-12-01T05:40:39Z

so much seems to change, but then i realize it's merely another season. just as from summer to fall is life's ups and downs. i wonder how everyone is. everyone i've ever met. i seem to keep myself so gosh dang busy it makes me sick - so i think. this week i'm working seven days in a row before i get my day off. everyone's been on my case since i've become a lead. i realize i have to step up my game but honestly there is only so much i can do! tomorrow i open, and then tuesday i close. i did my christmas shopping tonight. it was employee appreciation day, so all the associates got the manager's discount (basically 50% off). i spent 85 dollars, not bad for three people. that's what, 25 dollars averaged, perhaps a bit more. i've been craving to watch the 10th kingdom for quite sometime now, and i realize that it's at my dad's house. too far too drive. i see i am just on a random rabbling spell about nothing of any importance, i suppose it's time for bed.

i'm feeling much better now.

2008-11-07T07:19:56Z

i've been talking to seth a lot. he cheers me up immensely. i'm trying to get the mentality that we are just friends. i think we are just going to be good, close friends. and there's absolutely wrong with it. i just need to tell my heart to stop getting so attached! but i've opened up my life story to him and he just gave me a ton of relief. thank goodness. he means so much to me, if he only knew! haha. anyways, i feel like i recently got off God's path...i have never lost my faith but i feel like i lived my life as an ignorant sinner. NO MORE!!! i am trusting and living my life for JESUS. he is my one and only love!

i feel fatty (sort of).

2008-11-02T07:55:41Z

a certain song makes me regret some words that were exchanged, because i know that the regret cannot be changed. although it's past tense it will be forever known as the future as well. it's a shame. i don't have feelings for him anymore, but i miss his FRIENDship tremendously, and i know it cannot ever be. but i know that i shouldn't be sad because God has an amazing plan for me, and he doesn't want to see me sad. maybe i miss his friendship more because we have the same friends. hence, i'm never invited to any parties or i feel far too awkward to even consider attending. even if we could just say hi and have lunch. no feelings attached, no awkwardness, nothing bad. just a friendly hello. sometimes i wonder if ex's can be friends. truly? even more so, can boys and girls ever be just friends? i often thought the answer was yes, but i've had some doubts recently. "do you ever wonder what your ex is up to?" hmm. to answer with honesty, yes. but only in a friendly manner. of course i wonder if he ever thinks of me, again even in a friendly manner. how can two people who started off as friends and progressed as a deeper, compassionate couple go to the point of never again to speaking terms? we exchanged and shared so many secrets. i remember staying up on the phone until "late" hours of the night...i remember when he traveled cross country and i only got to talk to him once a week if i was lucky. how we conversed about how we both loved the ocean. so maybe i do still have feelings for him. but that's to be expected right? he was the "first love", so will the feelings always be there? i do know that the feelings aren't strong, but like i said i just miss him. maybe it would be better if we were just friends again. but then my head starts in that vicious cycle of questioning i mentioned earlier - can two people ever be just friends? i'm never going to see him again. at least through high school i could see him at a passing glance and see he's ok and happy. i know he's happy though and that does give me a little comfort. i feel like living the quote "if you truly love something, sometimes the only way you can show love is by letting it go". maybe i'll recapse on some memories later. just for the sake of not forgetting them. but anyways, i sort of feel like i'm not ready for a relationship yet. or at least i'm not ready for a just for fun relationship. of course a relationship must be fun, but it should be more than that as well. i wonder what or where i'd be if things were different. in any aspect. i seem to be attracted or to be attractive to insecure guys. i'm tired of it. i just want to find that perfect man. i wish i could visit myself in the future or have my future self visit me to give me guidance. i guess that's only possible on movies though.

ohh boy.

2008-10-27T07:05:35Z

I don't know what i'm doing with my life. there are so many pros and so many cons.

brittny123 @ 2008-10-25T01:10:00

2008-10-25T08:11:00Z

it's getting really hard to trust people

ugh

2008-10-13T01:35:18Z

i can't help but to be in fear and a little sad.

in your eyes

2008-10-06T17:31:50Z

they say you meet the people you do for a reason. i have decided it's a fact, perhaps a scary one. seth and i grow closer everyday - at least that's the way i feel. i was recently in lovey-dovey land but my past is coming back to haunt me: what if he decideds to go back? what happens when i move? i'm terrified. he and his girlfriend are taking a break this weekend for about a month, to see if they miss each other (they have been dating for two years). you can see how i'm hesitant to intrude. i want him/them to be happy regardless of the decision. but i can't help but to be selfish and hope he picks me over her. or i would at least like some confidence in knowing our friendship would sustain it's strength if they get back together. i have this gut-wrenching feeling (the one that is usually right) that something is going to go wrong, for me. i'm fearing i'll get even more attached than i already am and then they will get back together and we can't be friends anymore. why do i always attract complication? he's stated that he doesn't know if he even wants to get back with her - he wants someone he can be happy with and he likes me. but just for the fact that he DOESN'T know is what bothers me. so we hang out and/or date for a month and then she comes back and he decides she's the one. which, great. if she truly is the one then you should be with her. but that leaves me on the curb while it's raining. i'm just trying not to worry too much about it. but you know how that goes. the more you try not to worry the more you do.
on another note, i'm exhausted today. i definitely signed up for my psychology studies on the wrong day. and i'm not even sure if i'll get credit for one. i really could of used the nap between classes. i woke up around three or so to do some homework. which, of course, wasn't a big of a deal as i assumed. but at least it's done. hmm...the shuttle is nearing tempe campus. this one girl is popping her gum and i hate it.

i just want you to know

2008-10-04T19:39:00Z

SO I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN A WHILE. NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED. I'M ALWAYS SO BUSY. I SHOULD ACTUALLY BE DOING HOMEWORK RIGHT NOW, BUT I DEFINITELY DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT, SO I GUESS I'LL JUST WAIT TO STRESS OUT ABOUT IT TOMORROW. DATE MOVIE IS ON, AND I CAN'T SAY THAT I AM IMPRESSED. ANYWAYS, LIFE IS LIFE AND I'M FAIRLY CONTENT.

i'll give you hundred dollar bills

2008-09-29T02:15:02Z

this past week was more than ridiculous - but regardless i couldn't say i'm disappointed in the slightest. i just have the rest of the night to unwind. it feels so good to lie here happily.

rather odd.

2008-09-17T20:05:36Z

i don't feel like myself anymore. i hate the way i feel. i'm always so tired and i'm rapidly becoming a negative thinker. but i digress. i'm kind of upset that my lover (not really) wasn't on the shuttle monday, or today. thats was the only thing i was looking forward to. i have a psychology test on wednesday and a chemistry test on friday - absolutely terrified. i need to study, but all i can find myself doing is procrastinating, or at work. i missed my chemistry class this morning, even more stress. i certainly don't want to fail my freshman year, or any year. but gee whiz, send me your prayers.

flustered

2008-09-15T04:14:47Z

school, chemistry namely, is so discouraging. i really want to drop this crazy class!

good Lord.

2008-09-03T08:26:15Z

you are so childish!

stress stress for the dress.

2008-09-02T20:09:34Z

this week is going to be a crazy one; i've even saved a five hour energy drink for tomorrow especially. i'm at school from eight thirty in the morning to about nine thirty at night. ahhh! i'm real nervous about the chemistry lab. i can't believe it's only the second week of school. it feels like we are already a month in. i need to get back to doing my homework, ack.

alright.

2008-08-30T19:47:13Z

i finished or more like survived my first week of college. i think my classes are going to work out pretty well, i'm just worried about chemistry. i looked over my homework and i don't know how to do some of the problems, and i can't figure out how to print a slide show successfully. real aggravated. last night i slept 14 hours, and i'm still tired. to make matters worse, i have to go to work within an hour for a long eight hour shift. why???????

stormy.

2008-08-29T05:54:43Z

i debating with whether or not to fiddle faddle with my chemistry lecture notes. i spent an hour already trying to figure out a healthy system of printing them out, but no success. tomorrow is friday - last day of the first week of college. finally! i'm exhausted already from working to school and back to work. i feel as though my social life may suffer a little this semester, but i'm starting to consider this to be a good thing.

tell me that you'll open your eyes.

2008-08-27T06:55:59Z

i have this bitter feeling something's wrong. but that aside, it's already midnight and i have to be up in six hours. i really want to get my homework done however.

all my memories keep flooding my mind - it's distracting.

college.

2008-08-26T02:47:46Z

i'm lovin' it.

extremely terrified.

2008-08-24T06:30:20Z

two more days and then school starts: college. there's really nothing to say but my nerves are fluttering down my spine in anticipation. i saw the group of friends that i grew up with at pc - logan, ryan, chris, and even brian. it was really nice to see them all. the last time i saw them was perhaps in early june, some graduation night. i wonder why it's always so awkward to be in the same room as brian. any thoughts? anyways, seth bought me a big mac tonight. i'm a little upset about the 1000+ calories but i'm even more upset about the fact of it being exactly like a hamburger. nonetheless, work was actually quite decent. brent worked tonight. we're getting to talk more and more although it's sarcasm half the time. my lips are chapped past the point of seeking any minor medical attention, so i guess i'll just suffer for the time being.

quiet.

2008-08-22T05:33:12Z

i'm in the quiet mode; not much for talking. is it a denial to confront my fears? i'm not sure. so i've still been up for a while. i only slept maybe three hours today. so i've been up for about 49 hours. crazy. i keep thinking about him, but i just want to quiet my mind. but the more i try, the more i think. i'm thinking about trying to not think which still involves thinking on the subject. there's a lot to do tomorrow. i'm kind of upset. i think i'm going to get a snack.

straight to the heart.

2008-08-21T20:31:29Z

my oh my. i've been up for over twenty four hours (well i did doze off for about twenty minutes) now. suprisingly enough, i'm wide awake. this morning was rough; i was dead asleep and my dad called me to make me do all my last minute college things. i went over to daniel's last night, or this morning actually. it was funny because it took over an hour to get to his house. he gave good directions, but terrible directions. i left my house at about 2:20 A.M. and we finally met at a park near his house at about 3:40 A.M. i wanted to call it off because i was really tired, but his grandpa passed away and i thought i could get his mind off of it for a few hours. we watched fool's gold, and then he fell asleep so i snuck out of the house at about 5:26 A.M. i keep hoping that one day we might be an item, but we are completely different people and that's probably an understatement. not too mention the crazy ex-girlfriend (why do i always have issues with ex-girlfriends?!?) and his baby on the way. he's a good guy though. i'm trying to put aside my feelings for now so if something doesn't work out, i'm not too let down or in tears. i'm only keeping an optimistic idealism.

wait!

2008-08-21T08:56:07Z

i don't like second guessing myself, or making myself feel insecure and yet it happens almost every time. i throw out hints and get a completely different response; a less-pleasing one at that. do i just expect too much too soon?

please don't.

2008-08-18T20:01:15Z

so here i am again, all stressed out about college. mainly asu. i'm not going there this year, i can't. i'm taking a small amount of classes at gcc though, at my own expense. i never realized how much i would have to grow up in such a small amount of time.

suddenly

2008-08-17T19:50:47Z

just got nauseated. i miss my friend :(